Charlie's Angels and tha Dogg Pound
It was another Snoop Dogg episode. That fool had me all over the north side last night and I can't even remember all the shit we got into, or how I got home. When I woke up, I was laying next to an empty bottle of something I didn't even want to contemplate and an unlit cigarette still clutched in my right paw. Luckily, someone has been thoughtful enough to slip a newspaper under me. In my condition, there could very easily have been an accident.The doorbell rang and it was Goofy and Scooby. Scooby was trying to talk which was a stupid idea because his shit always sounds like "Scooba-rooba-roo!" and only a few dumb ass humans can ever figure out what the fuck he means. Before I could ask Goofy to interpret though, I heard a -thunka-thunka-thunk!- and Goofy slumped against the side of my building! Holy dog biscuit - He was shot!
Scooby and I dragged Goofy into the house and closed the door - just in time. -Thunka-thunka-thunk!- three more rounds slammed into the door just as I pushed it shut behind us. "What the hell is happening heree? I barked. Scooby had went to the window and was pointing to a house across the street. I didn't have my spectacles, so I squinted to see what he was trying to show me. "Scooby, get down!" I yelled, and just in time.
The bullets missed us both, but I had seen the glint of chrome sticking out of one of the windows in the house across the street and I smelled the catnip on the shooter. It was crazy ass Katanonia! I met her at on the street one day when it was raining cats and dogs. Barely saved her from being crushed under a hail of poodles. Her gratitude was great enough to merit a one-night-stand, but she started stalking me after that. She said I was a no good dog. I said: "DUH!"
I relayed my thoughts to Scooby while he was checking Goofy's injuries. Luckily, all three bullets struck Goofy in the head, which meant they missed all his major organs. He would be fine. The, the sceen came to life over my computer and I went to investigate. A weird sound wa coming from my sub-woofer. I started feeling... relaxed.
"Get away from there!" Scooby snarled and he snatched the speaker wires out of the chassis and started tapping out a series of commands on the keyboard.. "There, that should do it," he said with satisfaction. When I asked what happened he said: "I recognized that sound. It was Kategory, trying to hit us with a mind control signal from her evil server. I sent back a virus that will give her crazy hunger pangs and make her want to eat whatever is in her line of sight."
"Damn, Scooby, how do you know all this shit?"
"Don't forget I was a TV detective before you were born, puppy..." Scooby said. For one, I didn't even mind his garbled up speech impediment. (Like I said, usually only a few humans can decipher Scooby's words.) "But we need to get out of here." He continued. "This is too much for a coincidence - some one is after us!. Do you know any heroes?"
Before I could respond, the back wall of my apartment disintergrated as a firetruck rammed through it and into my living room. Snoop Dogg sat in the driver's seat and next to him, tied up with fire hose and duct tape; eyes rolling wildly, was a big ass Dalmation. "I heard you bitches need a hero?" Snoop said, with his patented gansta drawl.
Scooby snatched the Dalmation off the seat and I threw Goofy's still unconscious dumb ass into the back and crawled up front with my home dogs. We backed up and peeled off.
"What the hell is going on!" I barked again, for what seemed like the hundredth time.
"Why don't you call that punk ass General Katastrophe and see what she knows?" Snoop suggested. That was the best idea so far. He flipped me his cell phone and I caught it like a frisbee. Katastrophe answered on the first ring.
"It's about time you irresponsible jackals called me," she said. "I've been expecting you."
"Don't give me that smug super villian bullshit!" I snapped back. Why are you cats doing this shit?"
"Because we need you," Katastrophe replied. "They cancelled Charlie's Angels. Fortunately, Katatonia, Kategory and myself are ready to step in to fill the ladies' shoes. However, we need one of you to commit to be our Charlie and another to be our Bagwell -"
The rest of her spiel was cut off, because I slammed the phone down. Snoop glanced at me curiously. "What that bitch want from us," he asked?
"Commitment!" I yelled back. "Punch it!"
And he did. We got the hell away from there doing 85 mph, with tires squealing and sirens blaring. No way in hell a crew of fun loving dogs like us would commit to anything!
Naw, we want to keep it just like it is: rolling down the street, smoking endo, sipping on gin and juice. Laid Back...
posted by JahStorm @ 7:14 AM
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