Frazzled? I dunno...
Yesterday morning, I got up wanting a cup of coffee. I pulled on a pair of slacks, sweater, shoes and grabbed my walking stick. I was two doors down before I noticed a funny feeling in my feet. I look down and, to my horror, realized I had on one black shoe and one brown shoe. Embarrassed like a mutha, I went upstairs to change.Today I had been at work for just over an hour when a colleague asked me "What the hell is wrong with your shoes?" I was afraid to look, but I did. I was relieved to discover that both my feet sported white tennis shoes with red and black trim. But I was distressed that the right foot was adorned with Reekbok and the left was wearing Nike...
(Good thing I don't have a lot of imagination, from a fashion perspective.)
My longtime friend and former Sensei Hosea asked me if I was "frazzled." I told him wasn't sure, but I doubt if I'd be able to identify it if I was. I know I'm working my ass off and not resting properly. I know I don't have much in the way of tension outlets. I know I'm not exercising anymore and my health is a long way from optimal at this moment.
But frazzled? I dunno. I did more sleeping today after work than I have over many nights this year. Got a good 5 hours in. But instead of feeling refreshed, I feel 'threat of headache' at the base of my skull. Last time I felt that sensation, I had a pain in my head that made me think blood vessels had broken in my skull and I was gonna die. I subsequently had my blood pressure checked that day and it was pretty high... I've been doing things to bring it down since then... but I'm not as diligent about looking after myself as I am about looking after others...
Hosea said I needed to take a day all to myself. I laughed. There is no such thing. I work Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I host poetry Friday, Thursday and Wednesday. Since my mother's passing, I guess am a 'patriarch' and I get the damnest calls from relatives now, for the strangest reasons... Consoling a niece over the loss of a boyfriend, empathizing with a nephew who had a negative law-enforcement contact, refraining from the filicide of a son who acts like he doesn't need to do housework... (Man, I didn't have to do shit like this when Momma was here!)
I'm doing twice-weekly rehearsals for a play in which I have a leading role, studying another script for a supporting role in a film that a local director plans to shoot this summer, doing my own tech work for both my website and my publishing projects and dodging calls from a magazine editor who wants me to write a profile on apparently everybody in Rochester and pay me peanuts for it...I work eight damn days a week, which day am I supposed to just take? Which one?!
Frazzled? Not as far as I can tell. Just fucking killing myself in 24-hour increments, that's all. Somebody remind me why, please?
posted by JahStorm @ 10:44 PM
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